Travel (T.T.W.T.H.)

Ba-Rome-ater of History: The Vatican Museum

March 25, 2019 By Mark Chatham 6 Comments

Dress Code

The lady in the stained glass has also made appearances on taco shells, a tree stump and a toasted cheese sandwich auctioned for $28,000 on Ebay

The night before we were to visit the Vatican I discovered that there was a dress code. Shorts were verbotten and a number of sources indicated this code was strictly enforced. In an effort to travel light I’d only packed shorts. Joanne and I had struck out from the convent to find me a pair of “big boy” pants.

Fortunately, there was a UPIM department store a short distance away. Unfortunately, the ONLY pair of pants in the entire store that would fit were a pair of ugly white sweat pants. People who know me might enjoy the irony.

That being said, it was an ugly but functional solution. I mentioned these pants to Jo the other day and she burst out laughing. Apparently she didn’t have the heart to tell me they were ladies sweat pants at the time.

Especially galling is the fact that I observed the vast majority of visitors that day were wearing shorts.

Italian Traffic Lotto

We had breakfast at the convent and took an Uber to the Vatican. Am I going to mention Italian traffic yet again? Do Sicilians take the gun and leave the cannoli? You know, I’ve done cage dives with Great White sharks and in all candor, I truly believe that had diving with Great Whites WITHOUT the cage would be safer than driving in Roman traffic.

Heck, I think diving with a Great White inside the cage would only be marginally more dangerous than driving in Italian traffic. No matter, the car eventually stopped and I opened my eyes to discover we’d arrived at the Vatican safely.

No, Beyonce is not playing at the Vatican museum. This is a panoramic 180 view of .38% of the museum line up
Photo: David Lliff

Well… almost at the Vatican. The driver crosses the River Tiber and drops us at the Via della Conciliazione, the pedestrian thoroughfare leading to St. Peter’s. From there it’s a 500 meter hike to St. Peter’s Square. Then there’s another kilometer walking the perimeter of the Vatican’s wall just to reach the Vatican Museum lineup, still a half a kilometer from the museum entrance. At this point, there were options.

Vendor Bender

A “before” shot of Joanne, just entering Musee Vaticano. “Before” shots are always so happy, so full of hope, aren’t they?

During the Korean war the Chinese army was a huge presence. A popular joke among American servicemen was that a Chinese squad consisted of a mob and three hordes. Between the Uber and the lineup for the museum we were assaulted by a Chinese squad’s worth of vendors who offered a range of tour packages up to being carried about on a palanquin by a team of burly men. I speak with a few and haggle a “deal” for one of the skip the line tours.

The skip the line tours are interesting in that there’s no actual “tour.” A wrangler rounds you all up and leads you past the lines waving his pass and blowing past security with the ease and speed of a courier delivering a kidney for papal transplant to the Vatican hospital. We arrive at the ticket booths where he makes a bulk purchase, hands out the tickets and disappears. Jo and I set out on our way.

The skip the line tour cost roughly 30€ each and lasted as long as a water slide ride at Six Flags. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn if you take the actual tour it’s 15€. That being said, it saves about a kilometer’s worth of riding the line.

The Museum Proper

Love the casual pose! It’s as though the artist caught the subject a micro-second after a hurricane force gust of wind just rearranged this fellow’s toga. Fortunately for the viewer fig leaves were fashion forward in ancient Rome.

Once inside the museum the sights and press of humanity can feel overwhelming, but the traffic flow is linear, one way and sensible. However, Joanne and I had a 7.5 km walk through 54 galleries with the last stop being the Sistine Chapel so we couldn’t really dally if we wanted to see St. Peter’s as well.

Suddenly, we were Olympic speed walkers. Arms pistoning, hips a rolling with that stiff gait of someone trying not to break into a run. Whooo boy. Joanne HATES being rushed and she’s not shy in letting me know this. I get it.

It’s a shame not to be able to really linger. Really, it’s kind of obscene to be blowing through rooms dedicated to work by Raphael and Caravaggio, seeing the work like you’d see billboards from the highway.

On the other hand, to not take in as much of the Vatican as we can would also be a shame. We just had to be selective in where we decided to linger in the limited time available.

At this point in the narrative, I’d like to invite the reader to take part on our walk through the Musee Vaticano.

A Photo Tour of the Vatican Museum

The Gallery of Maps. In my rich fantasy life, Marvel comics has been pursuing me to develop a Markzilla Avengers character. As part of the deal I’m contractually obligated to include a cameo of Stan Lee in my vacation photos.

As I understand it, one of the Pope’s liked to impress the staff with magic tricks. This was the “Bishop in the Box” at which he would saw a Bishop in half to the amusement of those below the rank of Bishop.

In a survey based entirely on this photo, 50% of participants found the painting across the hall from this one vastly more compelling

Kilometer 3 of the Vatican Museum contains fascinating historic items like the toe curlers for medieval shoes

Joanne couldn’t participate in the parable of the virgins and the lamps. Her foresight is exceeded only by her compassion. She’d have enough oil to top up the stingy virgins who didn’t bring enough, thereby changing the moral of the story to “I messed up! Is Joanne here to fix it? Excellent!”

The Vatican library has some of the most effective overdue fine collectors in the world. That kind of revenue buys you and kind of ceiling you want. The general public is not allowed access to the library. I only mention the latter because it felt like a good time to cite an actual fact

If I ever win the lottery, this is how I want the entrance to one of the 18 bathrooms in my mansion to look

One gallery contained nothing but oversize novelty globes. Natural forces apparently work much faster than the scientists have led us to believe. Newfoundland has suffered a LOT of erosion since medieval times

Kilometer 6! The philosopher Livius. I bought his last selfie stick

A scale model of Nordtrom’s from the Vatican Museum’s Petaluma California Gallery

Vatican Museum Exit. Don’t let the gilded doorknob hit you in the alb on the way out!!!

Previously on TTWTH: Rome-ing Underground: The Catacombs of San Sebastian

Rome-ing Underground. The Catacombs of San Sebastian

December 14, 2018 By Mark Chatham 1 Comment

Dr. Frauzel and a disembodied arm take a breather outside the Basilica of San Sebastiano on Via Appia

The Catacombs of San Sebastian

Were The Beatles Italian their 11th album cover would have had them crossing “Appia Road.”

After a hairy drive from Palatine Hill we eventually turn on to the Via Appia, or what some may remember from school as the Appian Way. It’s the most famous, historic road in the world. I’m assuming they’re still teaching this stuff in school but I could be wrong. It’s been quite a while since I attended school.

There are a number of catacombs in Rome. Dr. Flavia suggested the Catacombs of San Sebastian as this is where she brings her grad students.

The first thing I notice on arrival is there aren’t a lot of people here.There are no gaggles of vendors hawking selfie-sticks and Saint Sebastian bobble head dolls riddled with arrows.

I take that as empirical evidence we’re officially outside the cattle crush of the main tourist rodeo in central Rome. We book one of the tours and we’re assigned a guide named Francesco.

K, I don’t actually remember his name, but I didn’t want it to be “the guide guy.” I did Google the most popular male name in Italy and the interweb decreed Francesco the winner with 28 per million babies in the 80’s… or something. I”m sure that it’s correct. It’s on the internet, right?

Anyway, prior to heading underground Francesco gives us a briefing on the rules. Unfortunately we weren’t allowed to take pictures inside the catacombs. This could be a pretty long article if I’ve got to replace every photo with 1,000 words so I’ll give the discount version.

There are 40 catacombs of varying lengths at various depths around the suburbs of Rome. Originally they were Christian burial grounds and at times served as sanctuaries for Christians who were being persecuted.

The Catacombs of San Sebastiano are maybe a half mile long and we never go deeper than 20 feet underground. They’re mostly dim passageways with the occasional chamber for relief. While I hate to disappoint those hoping for the macabre, but there are no cobwebbed skeletons anywhere to be seen.

A Shallow Descent Through History

Definitely not bunk beds. Pagan interment chamber (photo: Patrick Denker)

While the lighting is adequate, you’re always aware of your subterranean status. The temperature is cooler and there are shadowy, human body sized niches cut into the rock in the passageways that once stored remains that left me feeling vaguely unsettled. It’s kind of creepy, but hey. It’s a crypt. I see dead people.

This place had it’s start in the 1st century as a pozzolan mine and I know what you’re thinking but no. It isn’t a cheese mine which was was my first thought as well. But apparently pozzolan isn’t an exotic Italian cheese but calcified volcanic ash which the Romans used for making concrete.

At some point in the first century it evolved into a pagan burial ground for both slaves and freedmen. The pagan burial chamber was naturally the last and deepest level we would visit.

At some point in the second century, this became a Christian burial ground. On occasion we would see the Christian symbol of the fish carved here and there in the surface of the walls. The simple artwork both pagan and Christian throughout the catacombs is surprisingly well preserved.

A Deep Ascent to the Present

Saint Sebastian as rendered by Bernini in the Basilica above

There were a number of chambers but one in particular stood out for me.

As mentioned in a previous post, the Colosseum provided a dark epiphany. Standing in a place where thousands of people were killed in the most brutal ways imaginable for no reason other than spectacle gave me a dark pause.

I was about to enter into a chamber which would offer a different type of epiphany.

There is a rather large Christian burial chamber which contains a bust of San Sebastian which is attributed to the sculptor Bernini. The short version of Sebastian’s third century story is he declared himself a Christian and upon chastising Emperor Diocaletian the despot ordered him tied to a tree and shot full of arrows.

Bernini’s last work was a bust of Christ: Salvatore Mundi

In fact, this did not kill him. He subsequently went back to the Emperor and admonished his cruelty towards Christians. The emperor had him beaten to death and thrown into a sewer, however his body was recovered and he was buried in this chamber in which we were standing.

An Unanticipated Reaction

Normally, I would read this and be left shaking my head at what seems to be an incredibly stupid act of senseless self-sacrifice. I’d be angry.

However, all I felt in that moment was a deeply serene warmth staring at that bust in this place where the first Christians sheltered from persecution. This is the chamber which held the bones of the apostles Peter and Paul.

I was overcome by the incredible amount of dedication and faith in the sacrifices made by these early Christians.

I’m not a religious man, however I do consider myself spiritual. Until recently I’ve always identified as an agnostic. Around a year and a half ago I become a Christian. I’ve told very few people because while I now consider myself a Christian, I am a “heterodox” Christian.

All that means is I have my own beliefs about Christ independent of religious influence. It’s personal so I don’t speak about it as a matter of course. I don’t feel compelled to proselytize. There are many Christians who would not even consider me a Christian and that’s fine.

Cancer as Catalyst

There’s no doubt that cancer has certainly been a catalyst for change in my life in pretty much every sense including spiritual. I tend to think that the disease provokes a spiritual examination at some point for pretty much anyone who receives a cancer diagnosis. I’m pretty sure even hard core atheists may have their faith in their beliefs challenged after a cancer diagnosis.

I bring this up because it was an unexpected moment of clarity in this place and it affected me. It’s left me with a different perspective to consider and it’s one in which prior presumptions are challenged. I guess personal growth is a perpetual motion machine.

That peaceful feeling stayed with me as we exited the catacombs through the Basilica above. The Basilica of San Sebastian contains beautiful artwork, including the last known work by the sculptor Bernini, The Salvator Mundi.

The tour takes about 40 minutes in total and costs 8 €.

That was a long stretch of a more sober type of reflection, so to lighten up before I leave…

One Last Vignette

146 words worth of explanation due left of this photo. It didn’t take 1,000 words after all.

Stefania drove us back to the convent. I can’t speak to any of the sights along the route as I had my eyes screwed shut and I was holding on to Joanne’s arm for dear life as we careened around the streets of Rome. I can speak to the “careening” part because closing your eyes doesn’t dampen your sense of motion.

When I was a kid we’d go to the exhibition and there was a ride there called the “Tilt-A-Whirl” and with my eyes closed… well, it certainly evoked that particular childhood memory.

The vintage ride itself was a teacup kind of affair that rotated in quick, violently sick kind of way. The cup itself orbited through bumpy revolutions on a segmented, circular and uneven track. That’s what being in Roman traffic felt like. Although I don’t remember the carnival ride being so fraught with terror.

No matter!

The ladies dropped us off and we said our reluctant farewells. They had given us such a delightful day and we were richer in so many ways for having met them.

However, my stomach cares little for such schmaltzy sentiment and was clamoring for attention. We headed for a light supper at the Trattoria Pizzeria.

Ali Baba

We’d become good at waving off street vendors hawking tourist goods, but initially it was difficult. I’m a guy who likes to talk too much so it’s counter-intuitive to avoid eye contact and not engage.

That being said, we had six vendors approach us the first time we ate at this sidewalk restaurant so I adjusted to the new paradigm of snooty tourist quickly. The only other place I’ve seen street vendors match Roman aggression are in Manhattan and Hollywood.

On this particular evening, we encountered a fellow from Ghana named Ali Baba. Yes, that’s right. Ali Baba. I don’t really think it’s his real name, although if you’re hawking wares on the street you might want pick a name that isn’t immediately associated with “40 thieves.”

He had an infectious smile and his manner didn’t really feel aggressive. He was just full of joy. Ali Baba had a gift for remarkably engaging patter. He’d come from Ghana with six of his cousins who lived with him in an apartment where they hand made these collapsible wooden bowls he was selling.

Right. I didn’t buy the story, but we did buy a couple of his bowls. However, we weren’t really buying bowls. The charm of his entertaining company alone was worth the price of admission and we consider the bowls were a bonus gift. He certainly did weave quite the tale.

The meal arrived and Ali Baba departed. As we ate we decided that rather than heading to Venice the next morning, we would stay in Rome and see the Vatican. We’d have to come back to Italy some day if we were to take in Venice.

Last time on TTWTH: P-Rome-nade on Palatine Hill

Aretha Franklin – Rock Steady (guitar cover)

November 9, 2018 By Mark Chatham Leave a Comment

Groove, Groove, Groove…

It doesn’t get much more basic than this 1971 Aretha Franklin hit that went to Number 9 for the year on the Billboard charts. It only has two chords and one of them ain’t in there much.

This one didn’t chart on the top 100 for 1971, but Aretha Franklin had two hits that made that list and both were cover tunes. Spanish Harlem came in at 49 and Bridge over Troubled Waters by Aretha charted at 52 for the year. I had no idea that she even covered those songs.

Three Dog Night’s Joy to the World finished at number 1 for 1971

I just decided to noodle along for this one.

Personnel

Aretha Franklin – lead vocals, piano
Donny Hathaway – electric piano, organ
Bernard Purdie – drums
Cornell Dupree – guitar
Richard Tee – organ
Chuck Rainey – bass guitar
The Sweethearts of Soul (Brenda Bryant, Margaret Branch, Pat Smith) ^[4] — backing vocals
Robert Popwell, Dr. John – percussion
The Memphis Horns
- Wayne Jackson – trumpet
- Andrew Love – tenor saxophone
Gene Paul – engineer
Jerry Wexler – production
Tom Dowd – horn arrangement, production
Arif Mardin – production

Lyrics

Rock steady, baby
That’s what I feel now
Just call the song exactly what it is
Just move your hips with a feeling from side to side
Sit yourself down in your car and take a ride
While you’re moving, rock steady
Rock steady, baby

Let’s call this song exactly what it is (what it is, what it is, what it is)
It’s a funky and lowdown feeling (what it is)
In the hips from left to right (what it is)
What it is I might be doin’ (what it is)
This funky dance all night
(Let me hear ya gotta feeling in the air)
(Gotta a feeling, an ain’t got a care)
(What fun to take this ride, rock steady will only slide)

Rock steady, rock steady baby
Rock steady, rock steady baby

Jump and move your hips with a feeling from side to side
Sit yourself down in your car and take a ride
While you’re moving, rock steady
Rock steady

Rock steady baby
Rock steady, woo
Rock steady

Rock steady, rock steady (what it is)
It’s a funky and lowdown feeling (what it is)
In the hips from left to right (what it is)
What it is is I might be doin’
This funky dance all night
(Let me hear ya gotta feeling in the air)
(Gotta a feeling, an ain’t got a care)
(What fun to take this ride, rock steady will only slide)

Rock steady, steady baby, rock, rock steady, baby

Baby (what it is), baby, baby (what it is) baby

P-Rome-nade on Palatine Hill

October 31, 2018 By Mark Chatham 4 Comments

The Arch of Constantine built in A.D. 312 under which emperors triumphant in battle would pass. I suspect that wherever the loser’s arch is located leads directly into the Tiber River

Palatine Hill Would be a Good Name for a Rock Band

As we start up Palatine Hill crowds already begin to gather at Constantine’s Arch to celebrate my victorious return from conquering the rigorous 40 meter climb.

We slowly made our way to Palatine Hill after leaving the Colosseum. The Colosseum is at the base of the hill. It’s a leisurely stroll through history once you’re on the path. Kinda sorta.

The fact the word “hill” was in the title should have tipped me off that there would potentially be a considerable expenditure of energy. At least on the uphill leg.

The tour would be more work than I anticipated.

Palatine Hill is so named because in 27 B.C. Augustus built his palace here and the site served as the residence for a number of Roman emperors.

On one side of the hill was the Colosseum. On the other was the Circus Maximus. It appears the palace was centrally located for the emperor’s convenience to the carnage and mayhem which passed for entertainment at the time .

Ruins with a View

The Baths of Maxentius. There is currently no chance of catching athletes foot in these public baths

The ruins are extensive and the sheer scope of the site and what remains is impressive. Much of the structure acts as retaining walls to contain the slope.

It would appear they function in the same manner as pants and a belt do for me. However, Roman engineering has been much more successful than myself in respect to “slope containment.”

No matter. This is just brick foundation. My imagination runs riot at the concept of “excess” in ancient times when these buildings were covered in the finest marble.

Marbling Doesn’t Have Me Thinking of Steak for a Change

No amount of buffing with Pledge will get the scratches off the floor of the Flavian Palace

The Palace of Flavia is now little more than a marble floor outline on the ground. However, the the intricacy and aesthetic qualities of the marble craft are still here despite 2,000 years of weathering.

I read a plaque that says Emperor Domitian had the walls constructed of pink and white marble. It had a courtyard pool with an octagonal island and a sculptural fountain.

Domitian, ever fearful of assassination, had the marble walls polished like a mirror to reflect what was happening behind his back. Did it work?

Nope. As it so happened, Domitian was stabbed in the groin while signing papers at his desk in 96 A.D. Oooch! That didn’t kill him so the plotters stabbed him several more times.

Instead of polished marble walls he should have perhaps invested in a marble cup and jockstrap. That might have at least left him the will to fight back after the initial stab. Moving on quickly now!

The House of Romulus

At one point in our journey we came upon the Casa Romuli. Romulus was one of the founders of Rome and not an enemy of the United Federation of Planets as the producers of Star Trek would lead you to believe.

Apparently it was originally a mud hut with a straw roof but now on the site are iron age hut foundations from 700 B.C. Before I had this information I thought I’d wandered into where they manufactured cinder blocks, or baked bread or something.

Flavia tells us Romans throughout history have attempted to maintain this site as it’s been destroyed numerous times by fire. The last recorded fire on site was was apparently set by some crows which dropped pieces of burning meat, snatched from an altar, onto the thatched roof.

I hate when that happens to me. I’m on the deck grilling lunch for the family and I go inside for a second to grab the BBQ sauce and crows have snatched burgers off the grill and now there are fires all over the neighborhood.

I think historians need dig a bit deeper than that flimsy story.

Some of These Things are Not Like the Others

Joanne ponders peculiar ancient Roman housing arrangements

We’re walking through the ruins of Domitian’s palace and arrive at the emperor’s private stadium. It’s particularly interesting because there was a building that looked completely out of place.

It looked like a picture from a children’s book with illustrations by Picasso. Apparently there was an art exhibit taking place on Palatine Hill while we were there. I’ve just got to say the pieces were beyond ugly and did nothing for the historic ambience. They were going for Dali but got Daffy Duck instead.

The city had set up a number of art installations. Not knowing the situation, it was quite jarring to wander among structures that are two millenia old, turn a corner and see a life size, paper mache (or is it papier-mache? Does it really matter) Soyuz/Apollo linkup.

The Romans were more ambitious than I’d been led to believe. I hadn’t an inkling the Romans even HAD a space program, no less landed successfully on Palatine Hill. Eventually we arrived at Circus Maximus.

Circus Minimus Nowadays

The awe inspiring Circus Maximus we’ve seen in so many movies is now just an outline and a traffic… oval. I daresay it was much safer when it was used for chariot race given what I’ve seen of contemporary Italian road safety. After taking some pictures we depart.

We make our way back down the hill to the car. As we drive through the busier sections of Rome my eyes are screwed tightly shut and I clutch at Jo’s arm. I detect no bumps which would indicate we’ve hit pedestrians and managed to rack up points in Death Race Roma 2017. Bonus!

Cruisin Through Rome

Rome’s ancient city walls. Built to keep the Ostrogoth riff raff out.

I open my eyes to discover we’ve left the area around the ancient city and are driving through more contemporary areas of Rome. We pass through Rome’s Chinatown and I wonder if there’s a Little Italy in Beijing.

There are two things I hadn’t anticipated prior to visiting Rome. The high numbers of tactically armed police and obelisks. What’s an obelisk? The Washington Monument is the most famous example. Anyway, Egypt is all over the place in Rome.

Why, Rome even has its own Egyptian pyramid built in 12 B.C. as a tomb for some guy named Gaius Cestius. At one point it became noticeable that there are gigantic phallic symbols all over the place, almost as though Rome itself were compensating for something. Truth be told, I think Rome is envious of Paris and maybe Berlin too, if you know what I mean.

It’s also a little unnerving to see so many police tactically armed with assault weapons. The only place I can recall this heavy an armed presence publicly on this trip was in Berlin. But that’s a post for another time.

Wasted Away Again in Mussolini-ville

Ice cubes are so rare in Italy I think Mussolini ordered them all confiscated and stored here in this building, the Palazzo della Civiltà Italiana or “square Colosseum”

My apologies to Jimmy Buffet for that subtitle. Can I plead stream of consciousness? Margaritaville… Mussoliniville… same number of syllables.

Stefania drives us to an area called the Esposizione Universale Roma (EUR) which was designed and rebuilt by the fascists under Mussolini. You don’t often see this much white concrete outside of a dystopian sci fi movie.

Stefania wanted us to see Palazzo della Civiltà Italiana as she had mentioned it earlier in the day at a display on the Colosseum’s architectural influence.

It’s still a concrete box, but then this would appear a to be the most popular form of fascist architecture.

There was one more place of interest to visit before calling it a day. We stopped for a quick lunch at a nearby restaurant and recharge before heading to the Catacombs of San Sebastiano.

Random Photos

The controversial Altare Della Patria which houses the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. American soldiers in WWII nicknamed “the typewriter” because it’s easier to pronounce. Alternatively, the Italian nicknames are “The Wedding Cake” and “The Set of False Teeth.”

Wow! To think a Caesar may have urinated on these very stones when stumbling back to the palace from an orgy! TMI!!!

There’s a word for stereotyping that this photo suggested… pigeon niche? Squab hole? It’ll come to me…

Hey, this isn’t the way to Winners! What’s going on?

Those of us who may be about to die in Rome’s traffic salute you!

Huge amounts of aqueduct tape will be required to repair this structure…

My pet peeve in respect to Italy is tepid drinking water. Even restaurants do not refrigerate water. So yes, drinking water in Italy is generally the temperature of bear spittle which makes this photo pertinent. I like the irony.

Last Time on TTWTH: Ready to Rome-ble at the Colosseum

Ready to Rome-ble at the Colosseum

September 21, 2018 By Mark Chatham 4 Comments

The perfect photo bomb. Kilroy on the top right gives us a sense of scale for the dedication on an arch outside the Colosseum

Trainless Day

Mr. Marco crafts a bouffant that will have all of Rome’s gentry atwitter with envy

After our Pompeii excursion, we finally had a day without having to rush to catch a train. Today we would be touring the Colosseum, the Forum and Palatine Hill area with an actual tour guide. Steve the Translator’s daughter Flavia would be taking us to see the sights of Rome.

Flavia would be arriving at 8 a.m. and we’d cab around Rome where needed. We were still residing at the Casa di Accoglienza Suore di Santa Elisabetta, which will once again be forthwith referred to as “the convent.”

This was a working convent rather than a hotel, so I guess the amenities were intended to be more spiritual than practical. More icons, fewer blow dryers. The usual hotel room blow dryer was missing which resulted in a follicle crisis for Joanne fresh from the shower.

We had a fan so I went to work and in not time, we were ready to roll. Flavia arrived at eight driven by her mother Stefania, who had the day off of work and kindly offered to drive us around.

Trafficking in Risk

We didn’t want to inconvenience her, but she insisted. When Italians insist nicely, they smile when they yell at you and make chopping motions with their hands like they’re dicing invisible onions. It seemed prudent to graciously accept and we were very grateful for the drive and as it would turn out, their delightful company.

We hopped into the car and headed to the Colosseum. It didn’t take long to realize we were participants in Death Race 2018 Rome Edition. Lord love Stefania, she is a delightful conversationalist, an extremely intelligent woman but her driving was literally, quite terrifying. I should qualify that by saying EVERYBODY’S driving in Rome is terrifying.

We have been through in this intersection on our way to the colosseum:

Flavia and Jo attempt to cross Roman traffic with no helmets or safety gear

Later in the day on the way to the Catacombs of San Sebastian, we were approaching an intersection just as the light turned green and she kept rolling at 60 kph and pulled a U-turn into already moving opposing traffic and a cacophony of honking horns.

This was a six lane thoroughfare, mind you. To this day I have no idea how I came out of that with clean underwear. However, for the most part… she seemed to be a decent driver for Rome.

The Colosseum

In a short time, we parked on a side street next to the Colosseum. It was a beautifully sunny day and the gigantic structure stood out in strong relief against the bright azure of the morning sky.

The popular, ancient, hip hop group Flavian Dynasty built the Colosseum between LXXII and LXXX a.d. The group was comprised of M-prorZ Vespasian, Titus and Domitian and they required a venue for gigs that could hold up to 80,000 fans. K, that’s not true but it’s more fun that what Wikipedia will tell you on the matter.

Flavia tells us it’s constructed from travertine and tuff, so it’s made of rocks. Here’s an article on the c onstruction which will reveal the mysteries of Roman cement for those who require concrete evidence of the build.

She also informs us marble was also used extensively, but had been stripped and cannibalized for other buildings in Rome. Not only was the marble taken, but bronze fittings holding the marble facade were stripped, leaving the edifice with a pockmarked look.

Mybad! It’s Dr. Flavia!

Jo, Flavia and Stefania. Jo is the one who wouldn’t fit in on the set of *La Dolce Vita,*

Steve had mentioned his daughter Flavia gave tours. I apparently missed the part where she gave tours to her graduate students. It turned out she’s an archeologist with a PHD and had worked on the forum dig.

Aside from being a river of knowledge, her status meant she could ferry us past what felt like a kilometer long line of tourists waiting for the Colosseum to open. We were booking it on the ground level, Doric columns blowing by like telephone poles on the highway.

Along the promenade on the next level are a line of static, museum displays of antiquities and information on all aspects of the Colosseum and Roman life. It offers sensible context for what you’re seeing. It was here our education on Roman history began.

While passing the displays, Flavia would offer context in terms of vivid descriptions of how people lived in Rome in whatever period was relevant for a particular display.

This would come into play for me later in the day in an unanticipated fashion. However, in that moment I was just soaking up as much of the moment as I could.

The Dynamic Duo

Flavia imparts knowledge to Joanne through through the use of an Italian mind meld

Stefania did an admirable job of listening without interjecting. At least she didn’t interject in English, but… well. She’s a mom and a woman fiercely proud of her Italian heritage. I’m sure she was just adding supplementary information in Italian.

I don’t know if Flavia was upset by this as I had no frame of reference. Seeing Italians interact by flailing at the air with raised voices wasn’t necessarily an indicator of “content” as I’d learned at the train station with Steve the Translator.

In truth, Italians aren’t always this animated, but at minimum there’s always that potential, passionate energy as sub-text in any interaction no matter how mundane.

Both Ladies Strut Their History Stuff

They finished their discussion and the tour continued. The day would prove to have a warm dynamic flow as we grew to know our new friends. In truth, Stefania and Flavia were more like family given my relationship with Steve the Translator.

Stefania had a wealth of historical information and I was completely captivated by her pride and intense love for her country and culture. Her energy was incredibly compelling. I felt completely charmed listening to her speak to these matters so dear to her heart. Through the day we’d change things up and I’d spend some time with Flavia and her incredibly detailed insights on not just the history, but the process of how history has been revealed.

A little known fact to people not living in Italy. The Colosseum was at one point a livestock pen.

More History Stuff

The primary focus of Colosseum history is of course, gladiatorial contests. We all saw “Gladiator,” “Ben Hur” and other sand and sandal epics, so we’re going to skip that part for now. So what happened to the Colosseum after Rome fell?

Whatever it was hadn’t piqued my interest up until that moment. I’m tempted to take a survey to see how many people know the history beyond the spectacles Hollywood has shown us. Obviously, I’m guilty of the charge of being uneducated. I just wonder if I’m in the minority?

I’ll just list stuff and feel free to comment on how many of these would have immediately come to mind. The primary facts here are all true. Let’s check out the timeline.

It’s a busy one. Let’s see… two lightning strikes, fires, sacking by the Visigoths, earthquake, a bigger earthquake then sacking by the Vandals, we’ll pick it up in year D.

Colosseum Chronology

How the homes of the future might have been imagined back in 900 a.d. Or at least that may be what real estate developers pitched back then…

D – DCCC (500-800) or so a.d. The Colosseum was alternatively a quarry, vagrant housing and a barnyard before a small chapel was built and it became a cemetery.

DCCC – MLIII (800 – 1083) or so a.d. If I was a municipal planner, I would say it was re-zoned Residential A and B with Commercial (C1) subzoning. The vaults under the seats became apartments. People lived here.

MLIV (1084) a.d. Sacked by Normans. When the Normans left, the Frangipane family took over and only Frangipane’s or friends of the Frangipanes resided within. Fort Frangipane established and it becomes a military base.

MCCCXLIX (1349) a.d. A bigger earthquake than the rest brings down an entire side. Until the mid 16th century the Colosseum was used again as a quarry.

MDCCL (1750) a.d. Pope Benedict XIV begins restoration work.

During the 15th century, Pope Sixtus V wanted to make it a wool factory to employ prostitutes but died before this plan could unfold. In the 17th century a Cardinal wanted to turn it into a bullring, but public outcry killed that particular plan. Eventually we made it through the museum displays and emerged into the arena.

The Arena

We emerged into the bright, sunlit of the arena and initially, the sight is jarring. The original sand covered, wooden arena floor is gone revealing the cells that held animals and people beneath.

I feel compelled to break with my usual silliness and be serious for a moment.

I’d mentioned that Flavia’s descriptions would offer an unexpected emotional moment. A chill overcame me as she described the “filler” entertainment between the gladiatorial bouts and animal hunts, centuries before, in this area immediately in front of us.

Imagine you’re being held in a dark cell under the arena floor. It’s sweltering. The fetid stench of sweat, fear and feces thicken the air. The roar of terrified animals in cages nearby is occasional punctuation for the muted sound of throngs cheering above. The lift comes down and the light from above reveals the platform covered with torn and bloodied flesh that was once living human beings. Then it’s your turn to head up the lift.

If you were a Christian or a criminal, you might be taken to the arena floor and bound to a stake. A bear trained to tear out your liver and eat it before your eyes before you die would be released to entertain the crowd with your death.

A Moment of Clarity

In that moment, I felt more horrified than I’d ever been from anything I’d seen or read in TV, movies and books. In this case, the immediacy of geography was the great leveler. Despite the fact this occurred roughly 2000 years ago, I found the fact it occurred directly in front of where I was standing deeply distressing. Just writing about it is upsetting.

I have an difficult time understanding how people can treat one another with such savagery. The fact it occurred so long ago is irrelevant. In another week Joanne and I would be standing in Auschwitz where cruelty and inhumanity became industrialized.

The trip to Europe had moments of what I can only describe as spiritual epiphanies along the way. As a 4th stage prostate cancer patient I’ll just say I’m on an unintended journey in that respect and leave it there for now. I leave it there because it’s too long and complicated a topic for this particular post but I may visit the topic another time. I mention it because it’s relevant to the experience and gives a bit more context.

After we left the arena that anxious, gut wrenching feeling passed. At least temporarily. There would be much to ponder later on. I listened to the ladies chat as we headed up to Palatine Hill. There was a lot more Roman history to see and learn that day. I’ll leave this post with photos with real captions for a change.

A new excavation. A gladiatorial school just outside of the Colosseum proper

The pitted surface is due to the removal of bronze fittings that held the marble facade in place

Different marble artifacts on the second level. There is a wide variety of colors for marble which influenced the price

Restoration on the south side of the Colosseum, damaged in the earthquake of 1349

Last time on TTWTH: Pompeii and Circumstance Parts B, C and 4

Pompeii and Circumstance Parts B, C and 4

September 12, 2018 By Mark Chatham 10 Comments

**Derrierivus. The Roman god of bare bums maintains a constant vigil over contemporary Pompei**

B. The Journey Continues

Fortunately for us, the weather started to co-operate after the deluge of rain on our arrival in Pompeii. As we left the Grand Theater the clouds were clearing and and the sun began to tease.

Roman doctors were cutting edge when treating toe stubbing injuries and those techniques are still used to this day

We emerged onto a side street with cobblestones the size of an Easter Island statue testicle… assuming they are anatomically correct and have testicles underground. You can extrapolate the size of which I speak from the size of their ginormous heads.

At regular intervals, there would be Chubb safe sized cubes of granite poking up and stretching across the road. Were they ancient speed bumps to slow down inconsiderate chariot drivers? Nope.

It would appear that Roman roads in Pompeii had two purposes and the first was transportation as you’d expect. They also doubled as sewers. When it rained raw sewage would wash down the roads and the granite blocks were there so pedestrians could cross the street without getting their feet brown.

Domus L Volvsi Favsti, which is latin for “House 50 Fred Volvo.” Fred lived here after his children moved to Sweden to start a sled company

B.1 The Journey Continues Some More

Along the way we pass the Domus l Volvus Flavius, which translates to “House 50 Fred Volvo.” Fred Volvo lived in Pompeii and made the safest chariots in the Roman empire.

They had both driver and passenger side flamingo feather bladders to protect in case of head on collisions. There was blind spot warning which consisted of a parrot tied backwards onto the handrail, trained to squawk if another chariot were coming up to pass.

Eventually his children decided to branch out and moved to Sweden to make very safe sleighs. In 1927 they began producing cars and became the Volvo motor company. That’s my “Slumdog Millionaire tour guide” explanation.

C. The House of Menander and Other Stuff

A Roman parking meter. You pull your ass up, tie its rope through the hole and Tiberius is your uncle

Eventually we made it to the House of Menander. Now that I’ve provided a link to actual historic information, I can just make stuff up as I go, as is currently popular with politicians and dating sites.

For instance, I’m actually 6’2″ of sculpted muscle with a luscious head of blonde hair and work as a hand model for Rolex. Yeah, I know you’ve seen pictures but are you going to believe me or your lying eyes? Hey, it’s a well known fact that the camera adds 63 pounds and blonde hair can easily be mistaken for no hair if the light’s not right, okay?

A major politician from Rome named Quintus Poppaeus Sabinus was the owner; a relative of Nero’s second wife. I guess I can understand why he wanted to live in Pompeii. So why isn’t it the house of… that guy’s name? Because there’s a well preserved fresco of the playwright Menander inside. That’s much easier for tourists to remember and pronounce.

It’s a very big house at 19,000 square feet and as a picture is worth 1,000 words it may behoove me to give readers a tour of Casa Menader using the powers photographic journalism.

Photographic Evidence of a History Place

The Romans were every bit as concerned about hygiene with their potable water as they were with their sewage system. Water would fall from a hole in the roof and would drain into a cistern below the floor. There was no fluoridation

People in a room that hasn’t been painted in 2,000 years

Many Roman homes had altars in their home in which they would place ancestral action figures. However, I’m pretty sure this is an umbrella stand.

2,000 year old artwork caught my eye before I got back to the serious work of room appreciation

A room in which a pizza oven was converted to a family shrine

That’s no pizza oven! We conclude our photo tour of the *House of Menander* with a shot of the bathroom. I daresay with this simple design you could have an eight bathroom home no matter what your budget

The bakery. You could give the baker a Sestertii for a loaf of bread and still get back 3 As in change! Try doing that today. Talk about value!

C (1) Other Stuff

After departing Menander’s crib the tour stopped at an ancient bakery as we made our way towards Via Abbondanza which was the main street for Pompeii and led to the forum.

I mentioned that the oven looked like a pizza oven, but the tour guide corrected that notion. They only baked bread. Tomatoes are indigenous to South America. It would take another 14 centuries before tomatoes would make their way to Italy via Spain. It would take yet another three centuries before they’d be used as food. Huh?

Yes, it turns out that they were used for decorative purposes until the late 17th century before somebody became desperately hungry enough to eat one. Yet Satan’s fruit, the the vile and despicable grapefruit was used as food immediately without having a three century, decorative shake down period which we’d still be enjoying. Yeah, like sticking a cherry in the middle makes a grapefruit half even remotely edible. BAH!

At this point Jo and I had to bail on the tour. It was getting late and it would be a three hour train ride back to Rome so we struck out down the main drag on our own.

C.2 More Other Stuff

Centaurs would provide rides to the train station for a small fee

Had we stuck with the tour, the brothel would have been our next stop. Very popular with the tourists, at any point in history up until this writing. After doing a little research, I’m kind of glad we missed it. It’s tossed off as naughty and fun.

However, I don’t care I don’t care that male genitalia engraved in stone provided road signs. The reality was stark as the prostitutes were slaves and lived and worked in tiny stone cells. Life was dismally brutal and without hope. Moving along…

We were moving briskly and eavesdropping on other tours to glean information on what we were viewing and almost blew through the forum without realizing it. The forum was the “town square” of ancient Roman life.

Below is a quick video of the forum. The video is exactly eight seconds long or the same amount of time needed to ride a bull. Given the amount of huffing and puffing I was doing and the style of our travel… I think that was inadvertently appropriate.

C.3 The SEO God Commands that I Conjure Subheadings to Produce a Green Happy Face for Readability and I Comply

Our last stop prior to the visitors center was the Forum’s public baths. There’s a tradition I’m glad we no longer carry on as a culture. Fortunately for the women of the time, men had separate baths and entrances.

The Romans in Pompeii had cold baths (frigidarium), lukewarm baths (tepidarian) and hot baths (calidarium) so even Goldilocks (Caputaureum) would have found a bath that was juuuuust right in Pompeii. The hot baths were heated by fires in bronze cisterns rather than thermal energy from Vesuvius.

Pompeii was about the size of Summerside, Prince Edward Island with a population of approximately 15,000. I don’t think Summerside has three Tim Horton’s, never mind three public baths and I found myself wondering if perhaps Pompeii was the birthplace of OCD.

Well, I suppose if your streets run brown with raw sewage when it rains and your toilets are wherever there’s room to squat, there might be a need for more baths. As we left the baths we realized we were going to have to book it to catch the train on time.

4. Return to Rome via the “Scenic Route”

We had to run the obstacle course called The Visitor’s Center in order to leave the grounds. I blindfolded Joanne so she wouldn’t see the many shopping opportunities we’d be passing. I took her hand and ran her through the center and we reached the platform with minutes to spare. It was like running through a pottery barn with ceramic artifacts all over the place.

The side of Vesuvius we didn’t want to see. The side facing towards Salerno.

The train arrived and we hopped on, glad we made it just in time… for the train to Salerno in the opposite direction. D’oh! This would add about three hours to our return to Rome. We hadn’t much time when we arrived at the platform to get oriented and when we did, we had oriented ourselves in the wrong direction.

The upside was this was the Amalfi Coast we were traveling and it lived up to it’s billing of beauty. We didn’t see much of Salerno from the train station, but with mountains on one side, and the ocean on the other, it looked beautiful and I’d love to visit Salerno if we ever get back to Italy.

Fortunately, we didn’t have to experience the wonders of the Circumvesuviana for the trip back. We caught the bullet train for Rome which would take around three hours for an 8 p.m. arrival. We’d had glimpses of Vesuvius through the day and as the weather had cleared off I finally had an excellent view of the volcano.

4.1 Vesuvius

I’m glad I don’t have one of *those* in my backyard. The volcano I could handle.

Mount Vesuvius is impressive all on its own and it’s unsurprising that the story of its eruption in A.D. 79 is still a famous world event today.

It produced 100,000 cubic yards of magma per second – the equivalent of 2.5 Washington Capital rotundas – during its massive explosion in A.D. 79. and it lasted for three days.

I know that’s still less hot gas than is actually released from the Washington rotunda over the run of just three hours, never mind three days, but it’s still very impressive.

It was around 10 p.m. by the time we made it back to our room in the convent and we crashed immediately. We were meeting Steve the Translator’s daughter Flavia in the morning . She was a tour guide and would be taking us around the Colosseum and other sites the next day.

My apologies to Robert Ward for stealing the “parts” gag of the title.

For those who don’t know, SEO stands for “Search Engine Optimization.”

A Hilltop Church then the big reveal. Now for my next magic trick…

Seeing more of Italy than we anticipated