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Ba-Rome-ater of History: The Vatican Museum

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Dress Code

The lady in the stained glass has also made appearances on taco shells, a tree stump and a toasted cheese sandwich auctioned for $28,000 on Ebay

The night before we were to visit the Vatican I discovered that there was a dress code. Shorts were verbotten and a number of sources indicated this code was strictly enforced. In an effort to travel light I’d only packed shorts. Joanne and I had struck out from the convent to find me a pair of “big boy” pants.

Fortunately, there was a UPIM department store a short distance away. Unfortunately, the ONLY pair of pants in the entire store that would fit were a pair of ugly white sweat pants. People who know me might enjoy the irony.

That being said, it was an ugly but functional solution. I mentioned these pants to Jo the other day and she burst out laughing. Apparently she didn’t have the heart to tell me they were ladies sweat pants at the time.

Especially galling is the fact that I observed the vast majority of visitors that day were wearing shorts.

Italian Traffic Lotto

We had breakfast at the convent and took an Uber to the Vatican. Am I going to mention Italian traffic yet again? Do Sicilians take the gun and leave the cannoli? You know, I’ve done cage dives with Great White sharks and in all candor, I truly believe that had diving with Great Whites WITHOUT the cage would be safer than driving in Roman traffic.

Heck, I think diving with a Great White inside the cage would only be marginally more dangerous than driving in Italian traffic. No matter, the car eventually stopped and I opened my eyes to discover we’d arrived at the Vatican safely.

 

 

No, Beyonce is not playing at the Vatican museum. This is a panoramic 180 view of .38% of the museum line up
Photo: David Lliff

Well… almost at the Vatican. The driver crosses the River Tiber and drops us at the Via della Conciliazione, the pedestrian thoroughfare leading to St. Peter’s. From there it’s a 500 meter hike to St. Peter’s Square. Then there’s another kilometer walking the perimeter of the Vatican’s wall just to reach the Vatican Museum lineup, still a half a kilometer from the museum entrance. At this point, there were options.

Vendor Bender

A “before” shot of Joanne, just entering Musee Vaticano. “Before” shots are always so happy, so full of hope, aren’t they?

During the Korean war the Chinese army was a huge presence. A popular joke among American servicemen was that a Chinese squad consisted of a mob and three hordes. Between the Uber and the lineup for the museum we were assaulted by a Chinese squad’s worth of vendors who offered a range of tour packages up to being carried about on a palanquin by a team of burly men. I speak with a few and haggle a “deal” for one of the skip the line tours.

The skip the line tours are interesting in that there’s no actual “tour.”  A wrangler rounds you all up and leads you past the lines waving his pass and blowing past security with the ease and speed of a courier delivering a kidney for papal transplant to the Vatican hospital. We arrive at the ticket booths where he makes a bulk purchase, hands out the tickets and disappears. Jo and I set out on our way.

The skip the line tour cost roughly 30€ each and lasted as long as a water slide ride at Six Flags. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn if you take the actual tour it’s  15€. That  being said, it saves about a kilometer’s worth of riding the line.

 

 

The Museum Proper

Love the casual pose! It’s as though the artist caught the subject a micro-second after a hurricane force gust of wind just rearranged this fellow’s toga. Fortunately for the viewer fig leaves were fashion forward in ancient Rome. 

Once inside the museum the sights and press of humanity can feel overwhelming, but the traffic flow is linear, one way and sensible. However, Joanne and I had a 7.5 km walk through 54 galleries with the last stop being the Sistine Chapel so we couldn’t really dally if we wanted to see St. Peter’s as well.

Suddenly, we were Olympic speed walkers. Arms pistoning, hips a rolling  with that stiff gait of someone trying not to break into a run. Whooo boy. Joanne HATES being rushed and she’s not shy in letting me know this. I get it.

It’s a shame not to be able to really linger. Really, it’s kind of obscene to  be blowing through rooms dedicated to work by Raphael and Caravaggio, seeing the work like you’d see billboards from the highway.

On the other hand, to not take in as much of the Vatican as we can would also be a shame. We just had to be selective in where we decided to linger in the limited time available.

At this point in the narrative, I’d like to invite the reader to take part on our walk through the Musee Vaticano.

 

 

 

A Photo Tour of the Vatican Museum

 

The Gallery of Maps. In my rich fantasy life, Marvel comics has been pursuing me to develop a Markzilla Avengers character. As part of the deal I’m contractually obligated to include a cameo of Stan Lee in my vacation photos.

 

As I understand it, one of the Pope’s liked to impress the staff with magic tricks. This was the “Bishop in the Box” at which he would saw a Bishop in half to the amusement of those below the rank of Bishop.

 

 

In a survey based entirely on this photo, 50% of participants found the painting across the hall from this one vastly more compelling

 

Kilometer 3 of the Vatican Museum contains fascinating historic items like the toe curlers for medieval shoes

 

Joanne couldn’t participate in the parable of the virgins and the lamps. Her foresight is exceeded only by her compassion. She’d have enough oil to top up the stingy virgins who didn’t bring enough, thereby changing the moral of the story to “I messed up! Is Joanne here to fix it? Excellent!”

 

The Vatican library has some of the most effective overdue fine collectors in the world. That kind of revenue buys you and kind of ceiling you want. The general public is not allowed access to the library. I only mention the latter because it felt like a good time to cite an actual fact

 

If I ever win the lottery, this is how I want the entrance to one of the 18 bathrooms in my mansion to look
One gallery contained nothing but oversize novelty globes. Natural forces apparently work much faster than the scientists have led us to believe. Newfoundland has suffered a LOT of erosion since medieval times
Kilometer 6! The philosopher Livius. I bought his last selfie stick
A scale model of Nordtrom’s from the Vatican Museum’s Petaluma California Gallery
Vatican Museum Exit. Don’t let the gilded doorknob hit you in the alb on the way out!!!



Previously on TTWTH: Rome-ing Underground: The Catacombs of San Sebastian

 

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Comments

  3. Hilarious Mark! A vicarious Vatican tour with you is on par with a trip to Vegas with Hunter S. Thompson 🙂

    Reply

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